57: perspective

I feel so lonely sometimes.

It doesn’t take over anymore like it used to. In the past, I used to see loneliness as an endless, soundless black sea. In the middle: me, on a raft. I wasn’t in danger on the raft, wasn’t fighting to hold on. In fact, I was so safe, I just sat there motionless, resigned, surrounded by black water and air.

The times when I would start to see myself in it were scary, and I tried to keep  busy to forget it. But when I centered myself again, I was there.

Now, when I get lonely, I’m not on a raft anymore. It’s not endlessly hopeless like it used to be. Now it’s more like me twisted in a glass box of logic. I’m alone in the box, but all sides seem to point to the same message when I fidget: “Everyone gets lonely now and then; today is just one of those days, and tomorrow ill be better as it always is,” they seem to say. “And besides, it’s a few days before your period.”

It’s all about perspective, and refocusing perspective when it’s out.

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About tali2

I am a recent grad of the wonderful English major. Though I don't regret studying English one bit, I realize why my teachers, parents, friends, and imaginary mentors warned me against it: Because it leads you nowhere. But it did give me great writing skills which I hope to continue honing in this blog as I chronicle the tribulations of the terrible job hunt in the terrible job market of NYC. And I hope that my blog reminds fellow unemployed recent grads that you are not alone, inspires some hope within us, while presenting a snapshot of our lives to others who do not share the same self-imposed troubles.
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3 Responses to 57: perspective

  1. abby says:

    im feeling lonely tonight. its a recuring depression. i’ve felt it off and on since a very tragic relationship i had some years ago. i’ve dated since, and been fulfilled several times over… but its there. even at my most happiest im sometimes struck down by the utter magnitude of it. i guess i sympathize with your glass box. on the outside, i am happy and fine, the world moves on and people think i am ok. i make people laugh, i reassure those who need it. the people in my life never know. and that hurts so badly i want to cry. i need them to not know only slightly more than i need them to comfort me. my glass box is colored white. opaque, reflective and happy looking… belies the turmoil inside and the raging tempest of loneliness and despair. what do you do when enough is enough? when you miss the past so much, regret your actions and decisions so badly that you feel nothing in your immediate future can resolve the pain? years and years have gone by. time, they say, heals all. i’ve followed your blog for so long now, tho its weird to feel like you kind of know someone who has no idea who you are, i just thought… just this once, i’d pollute your space with my scary and bleak thoughts and ask what i could never hint at to those closest too me: “what do you do when the pain of being alone in the middle of a crowd is simply too much?”

  2. abby says:

    ps- its almost christmas. happy holidays.

  3. tali2 says:

    ps. abby, your thoughts are never ever pollutants. they’re little gems, shining in this blog now and then. 🙂

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