66: where

I don’t know what to say. where to start. there are no words for this thing I feel. i’ve never felt it before. and it makes me wonder a million things. is this what my mom felt when she met my dad. is this the feeling, the urgency, that made her want to be with him, put aside all of her own long-term goals and be with him. is this the feeling she cursed a million times later, when it went away and all that was left was my dad and her lack of an education.

it’s discomfort, a pain so deep, a longing. it makes you walk slow through the rest of the life, skimming its surface. you’re calm, and you live it day by day, processing everything around you, trying to get it through your head that this is it now. this is it for a long time, and you like this life. you like it, and two weeks ago when he wasn’t in the picture, you liked it too.

you lose your appetite, but it comes back now and then. at those times, you note the growling in your stomach. You smile and you run to the kitchen. You dream up pancakes and pies, and take out silverware. And as you fork over food to your plate, you remember. And all desire to eat vanishes. In an instant, you throw the untouched silverware in the sink and rush back to bed.

There you lie down and look up at the ceiling or out the window, and travel miles away. The songs, the light, the memories. They all bring tears to your eyes, and as you lie there thinking, you wish you were asleep. You wonder if it could have been another way. “If I could turn back time and have it that I had not met him, would I?” you ask. The answer is no. I would still go through this pain, you insist. Then this feeling is positive. This feeling is a lucky experience in life, and you wouldn’t give it up for anything. And life had it that this happened right before you left, and now you’re here. You laugh, you laugh at how crazy life is, and you want to kiss life and shake your fist and say, “what are you doing?! whyyy are you making it so obvious that this world has a plan for us? i know you’re playing with me, you’re testing me, and i know it’s for my own good, and as hard as it is, it’s sweet, and you’ve got me all twisted up in a knot, and i love you and don’t want to speak to you at the same time.”

So then, you calm down again, and you know you’re at a crossroads: No matter what, you would have chosen this. So all roads lead to this then. And something deep inside you just wants to find another path, a path that crosses with his. A path that dictates that you two will talk and find a way to be together without sacrificing your personal goals, whether that consists of him coming here to teach and learn, or you going over there after school is over (and school hasn’t even started yet).

***

I am going to force feed myself some pasta now, then do some reading.

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About tali2

I am a recent grad of the wonderful English major. Though I don't regret studying English one bit, I realize why my teachers, parents, friends, and imaginary mentors warned me against it: Because it leads you nowhere. But it did give me great writing skills which I hope to continue honing in this blog as I chronicle the tribulations of the terrible job hunt in the terrible job market of NYC. And I hope that my blog reminds fellow unemployed recent grads that you are not alone, inspires some hope within us, while presenting a snapshot of our lives to others who do not share the same self-imposed troubles.
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