i woke up at 8.30, after going to bed at 10.30. I didn’t hear my alarm, even though i slept 10 hours, and was late to work..i got in at 9.45. “im sorry im late,” i told my boss and winced slightly. he joked that i should go back to having 4 alarms again. *phew* crisis averted.
ive started a really good book…Atonement. The guy’s writing style is simply amazing, and he manages to convey the emotional complexity of every simple moment. it’s really quite beautiful. i was reading it on the train on my way to work, and for 20 minutes i forgot where i was.
last night, i saw your call, but i did not pick up, because i was lost somewhere on the shiny new hardwood floor. my living room is flawless now, so neat and organized. i wanted to hold it all to myself as soon as i walked in the door. so i plopped on the flouncy fabric of the couch and cried. i cried a lot and watched a movie, breaking down in between scenes. i felt the way i felt on sunday, and i was sure that my face had picked up a yellow-pillow shade. i felt very confused, like i had no idea what to do with anything, what was right, what choice to make, what will be. i wanted to be alone, but not alone at the same time. every set of possibilities was a roadblock. to call or not to call? to take a break from the movie or not to break? to work or work it out? to cry or go to bed?
finally, i went to bed and i had a nightmare. i dreamed of this one guy i went on a date with last fall, who after a first date that consisted of a 4-hour conversation (and many plans on follow-up dates) dropped off the face of the earth. he was a friend of a friend, and the friend later said “he’s a good guy but tends to be a flake.”
well, i dreamed of him, and he was having a dinner party at his house. i went there with my little sister. and once there, he was a giant, towering over me, whispering meanly that i was trapped, he would never let me leave his house and i was to say nothing to the other people, and once they were gone, he would have his way with me and my sister. the rest of the dream was spent in anxiety, wondering how i would save myself, how i would protect my little sister, how i would get both of us out there with his eye constantly on us.
at the end of the dream, i finally ran away. but i think he caught me. i tried to escape through a wrought-iron door, but i got stuck in the railing. he drove up with his car and swooped his massive hands around my belly and sweeped me up. and then, the radio alarm saved me as always. but as i opened my eyes and glared at the blinking red numbers, time had already ran up ahead as always, and i was already late to work and there was nothing i could do about it.
i feel like im writing the pages of a novel rather than a personal message, so im going to go now. meetings up ahead anyway. i dont feel dreadful right now as you might think, just a bit tired. id like some more time to just sit back, read, take time off.
i miss you too when the thought of choices doesn’t scare me.